Mystery House

Horror #8: January Food

You don’t really think I have any inspiring, creative food ideas in early January, do you?  This is the worst point in the food year for me.  I’m all cooked out after what my post-holiday brain remembers as two solid months of cooking and cleaning for guests.  (Intellectually, I know that there weren’t strange people in my house expecting elaborate, multicourse meals every single day of November and December, but it sure seems like it.)  Besides, after so much indulgence, we should probably be counting the calories in individual yogurt molecules rather than trying new, exciting, decadent recipes.  This is traditionally a week of boring, easy food and boring, easy leftovers.  If it can be scavenged out of the refrigerator or freezer, we’re eating it.  I don’t have a recipe for you.  There wasn’t one, and if there was, you probably wouldn’t want it.  I’m not kidding.

Instead, I will pull an old, cheap trick and tantalize you with images of groovy new kitchen loot.  Loot that I might be using, were I cooking anything.

Bread Whisk

Know what that bit of abstract sculpture is?  I’d be happy to keep it in the kitchen purely for sculptural purposes, it’s so cool, but it’s actually a bread whisk.  Should be quite useful when the January air clears and I have the urge to make bread again.

Acorn Pan

I was dying for one of these, and lo and behold!  Two of them arrived.  One has since been exchanged, but the remaining acorn pan makes me smile every time I see it.  I love acorns; they’re just so adorable and acorny.  I can’t wait to make adorable, acorny cornbread, or adorable acorny little cakes — but not you-know-when.

Hmm.  Anticipating that at least one person might say Ooo, where did you get that? I went to the Williams-Sonoma website to link it for you.  It’s gone.  Evidently a seasonal item that has been completely wiped out.  I should have kept the second one and traded it for a big pile of cashmere or something.  This lack of market foresight is clearly the reason I am an upaid writer instead of a wealthy acorn pan mogul.

Cute Cheese Grater

Oh well.  I don’t have a bazillion dollars from selling rare pans, but I do have this very cute, charming lady in my kitchen.  She’s a cheese grater, a delightful gift from my good friend Amy.  I do love kitchen tools with personality.  The M.E. claims that’s because I have a compulsion to make a story out of everything.  I can’t imagine what he’s talking about.

Cute Cheese Grater in Danger

It’s hardly my fault if the cheese grater lady decided to stand right there by the toaster oven.  I think she likes it there because she can see out the window and check on the neighbors.  (I’ve tried explaining that the real wackjob neighbors are on the other side of the house, but she seems satisfied with her view.  Perhaps she led a sheltered life before coming here and is amused by the littlest things.  It’s possible — she did arrive in a plastic tube.)

At present, the lizard seems content only to stalk her, and hasn’t jumped.  I’ll keep you apprised of any dramatic changes.  I’m sure that in a week or two I’ll be back in the kitchen, and the whole situation will have settled down.  Or something.


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  1. * Chris says:

    O noez! It doesn’t look good for grater lady…

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  2. * Cheryl S. says:

    Oh no – watch out, cheese grater lady!
    However, with that smug look on her face, I suspect that she’s got brass knuckles or a few rolls of quarters hiding in that muff. Boy, will that lizard get a surprise if he tries to jump her.

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  3. * bezzie says:

    I dunno. I often use the phrase “I’d like to take a cheesegrater to their face!” when someone rubs me the wrong way. I’ll put my money on Cheesegrater Lady over the lizard.

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  4. * cursingmama says:

    I think the cheese grater lady is smarter than any one is giving her credit for – a lizard doesn’t have weapons like she has.
    I turn things into stories too – must be a writer thing 😉

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  5. * Guinifer says:

    Yes, Mr. Lizard does look quite threatening to poor Grater Lady!
    Have you every noticed the acorns on my sock blockers?

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  6. * Kitt says:

    Nifty loot! I love getting new, useful kitchen gadgets.

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  7. Cool gadgets! My mom has a grater lady too, but in red. She is still locked up in her plastic jail, though. :/

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  8. * Carrie K says:

    The lizard probably has a secret crush on her and is content to watch her from above.
    Darn! Being an acorn pan mogul was one of my aspirations as a young child. It’s such a difficult field to break into.

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  9. * kmkat says:

    LOL at the stalking lizard — watch your back, Grater Lady!

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  10. * Jeanice says:

    I think that lizard is smitten by Cheese Grater Lady’s beauty!

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  11. * lydee says:

    oh! I love my bread whisk. I usually use it to mix up quick breads and such.

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  12. * deb says:

    I’ve seen that movei: “Godzilla vs. The Cheese Grater:!

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago

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