Mystery House

The Mystery of Knitting…Revealed!

Shh!  This is the Master Engineer writing.  Miss T is away from her computer, unknitting a mistake in some lace, and while I can, I’m going to clue you in on what I’ve discovered.  I only have a few moments, so read fast. I am not part of the secret cabal, but I have discovered your secret.  Yes, I have discovered the Secret of Knitting!  Knitters want you to believe that scarves, socks and sweaters emerged from tireless weeks of precision effort. However, I have uncovered the Dark Secret of how knitting really happens.

After watching my wife endlessly tap sticks together in a bizarre ritual, I began to wonder how this could possibly produce items of woolen wear:

“#$%*@!  I have dropped a stitch!  I’m going to have take out three days work!”
“*&^%#%@!  How did that happen?!  I have to rip back to yesterday!”
“*&*^&%$#!@!  Where did I drop the &*^^%$#!  stitch?!  Arrrgghh!”

And yet, two days later, a sock emerges!  How can this be?  Most of the knitting was ripping out stitches, not putting them in.  I now realize that Dark Magic is involved. Each of those profane utterances is not an admission of error, but an invocation of Dark Magic that causes knitted goods to spontaneously appear.  As with all such things, there are levels to be obtained, and the more one is willing to sacrifice, the greater the Dark Rewards:

Initiate:  “&*^&%%@!  Dropped stitch!” Invokes one sock.

Acolyte:   “$%#%&@!  I can’t find where I dropped the &&%#%! stitch!” Invokes a short scarf or wrap.

Dark Magician:  “(&*$%*@!  My gauge swatch must have been off!  I’m going to be short!” Invokes one sock, plus the spontaenous appearance of one new skein of $40 yarn.

Elder Priest: “^*%&^%@! I can’t believe I have dropped a stich, AND the &%&^%! lifeline was put in wrong!” Invokes one full-length scarf.

High Elder Priest:  “*%^&^#!  There are so many splices in this ^&*^$%@! yarn, I’m going to *%%&@!  %&&$%^%!  the *&^%&@#@ company!” Invokes one complete sweater, but in a different color and yarn than the one which was started.

So, if these are my last words, know that I Was Right and the hidden agents of the Knitting Illuminati have dispatched me!

Knitting Illuminati


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  1. * Amy says:


    Posted 9 years, 5 months ago
  2. * Cheryl S. says:

    Perfect! My husband insists that it knitting is physically impossible. You can’t produce fabric by taking two sticks and some string and waving them about.

    Posted 9 years, 5 months ago
  3. * Guinifer says:

    Hmmm, what would that make the Knits Templar?

    Posted 9 years, 5 months ago
  4. * deb says:

    Welcome to the club. You may now learn the secret handshake.

    Posted 9 years, 5 months ago
  5. * Lorette says:

    And saying any of the above spells while drinking martinis magically makes an entire lace shawl appear. At least in my own mind, it does.

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago
  6. * bezzie says:

    Does this mean we get that little emblem on our car bumpers and tombstones?

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago
  7. * Carrie K says:

    That explains a lot.

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago
  8. * Chris says:

    Oh oh – you know what happens to he who reveals the secrets of dark magic…

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago
  9. * kitkatknit says:

    Still laughing hours after originally reading this! I just gave you (Miss T) an award! Go check out my blog to see what it is. (it’s the rules)

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago
  10. * del says:

    LOL! Oh no, he’s discovered our secrets!

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago
  11. * olga says:

    Unfortunatly- now that you’ve foolish revealed to the world our secrets, we have to knit you into silence-FOREVER! Just as a warning to any other foolhardy husbands who think they ought to come out with this…..

    Posted 9 years, 4 months ago

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