Mystery House



Horror #5: The Bat!

All was not giggling and glee Sunday night in the Mystery House.  I returned from driving my mom home to find the M.E. rather worked up–but also quite relieved that I’d missed all the drama.  I’m glad I missed it, too.

It was a nice evening, and the M.E. and Dr. Evil decided to sit outside while they waited for me.  Before long, the M.E. noticed a strange thumping sound, as if a bird was banging into one of the windows.  He checked it out.  No bird.  The M.E. returned to his book. 

Thump.  Thump.  Thump.

The sound was coming from inside the house.

There was something inside which hadn’t been there when he opened the door to go out.  Something fast enough and sneaky enough to slip through the door in a split second, when his attention was elsewhere.  Since I wasn’t there to take photographs, you’ll have to make do with bad, quickly executed drawings.  This is what had been bumping against the glass, and was flying in figure-eights around our family room:


Evidently, this was not a small bat.  The M.E. says it was a big one, about like this:


Now, the M.E. knows exactly what would have happened if I had arrived home at the precise moment an enormous bat was zooming around our house.  He knows how I feel about bats.  He thinks they’re cute–I won’t even look at the ones that are safely sealed behind glass at the zoo.

He had to get rid of the bat, and he had to do it fast.

Dr. Evil, a fast and able hunter by nature, did not want to get rid of the bat.  He wanted to catch it, and was jumping as high as he could in an attempt to reach the ceiling.

By this point, the bat had decided to explore other territories.  As in the entire rest of our house.  Imagine my screams, if I had seen this.  Bat molecules everywhere!  Actually, I screamed just hearing about it.  I may scream again, writing about it.

The M.E. grabbed a big towel to catch it in, then realized that would likely harm the bat’s delicate bones.  Perhaps a plastic bag?  He got one and cut it open so he could hold it up like a sheet.  This did not work.  The bat’s radar was working very well.  It flew straight at the sheet of plastic and veered off at the last instant, every time.  To compound the insult (and get Dr. Evil even more riled up), the bat squealed and made creepy bat faces.  At this point, the only thing missing from our usually cozy home was Bela Lugosi.

The clock was ticking.  The M.E. knew he was in trouble–I’d be home soon.

Thinking fast, he ran to the garage for our fishing net.  Echo location might not work on a fishing net.  I could go out to the garage to take a picture of it for you, but since I’ve started with the lousy drawings I might as well keep on:

Chasing the bat through the house, the M.E. swiped the net through the air and caught it.  Dr. Evil hopped for joy–the bat was finally down at his level!

And then it was gone.

Slipped out of the net.  Zooming around the house again.  Not good.

Imagine one of those action movie clocks here:  the hands move doubletime through about thirty minutes of stuff, then slow down so that the last two minutes on the clock take forty-five minutes of screen time.  Our hero was sweating it–surely I was almost home.  Drastic action was called for.  One more try with the net, and this time he couldn’t let the bat get away.

Chase bat.  Catch bat in net.  Grab bat through the net so it can’t escape.  (I mean touching the bat–this would have been worth several horror-movie screams from me.)  Avoid bat teeth and claws.  Run outside with trapped bat and hysterical dog.  Release bat.  “Be free!”

Away it flew…only to return immediately and start zooming around our yard again, headed towards the house.  Heedless of the neighbors’s sentiments that he’s probably flipped his lid at last, the M.E. stood in the backyard yelling at it.  There was a whole speech, but a couple of lines will have to suffice:

“Will you go away!  You’re the stupidest bat ever!”

Dr. Evil was peeved.  He wanted the bat to come back.

Quickly, when the bat was far enough from the house, the M.E. slipped inside.  Closed door quickly.  Checked for bat.  Put away net.  Washed hands (I hope).  Just in time…

At that moment, the garage door started going up.  I was home.

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Comments

  1. * bezzie says:

    Hee hee! That was a damn good story. And you weren’t even there!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  2. * Olga says:

    Ha ha ha aha! That was funnie, loved the drawings. It wasn’t a fruit bat was it? ‘cuz they look like they have a tiny dogs head on them. CREEPY.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  3. * Olga says:

    Ha ha ha aha! That was funnie, loved the drawings. It wasn’t a fruit bat was it? ‘cuz they look like they have a tiny dogs head on them. CREEPY.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  4. * Connie says:

    Love your drawings! We had bats in the house I remodeled in Glencoe. The first time I encountered one I was removing plaster from the wall and thought the soft, dark squishy stuff was some old insulation – NOT. It was a cold day and he was sleepy so he was easy (for my husband) to get out the open window. The second time I heard the noises they make, it was warmer in the room and he was flying around like crazy. Involuntary screaming too place – we were able to shut the door so he couldn’t go all over and eventually we used part of the window screen to guide him to the open window. Their faces are truly only a mother bat could love.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  5. * Jeanne says:

    Um…I hate to tell you this, but it’s unlikely the bat slipped into the house while someone wasn’t looking. More likely he’s been living in your attic (with his friends and relatives) and managed to find his way into the house from there.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  6. * kmkat says:

    What a heart-stopping tale of horror! But I love the drawings. If I were to draw a bat, it would be a blob with wing-like extensions and heavily labeled as “Bat.”

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  7. * kmkat says:

    What a heart-stopping tale of horror! But I love the drawings. If I were to draw a bat, it would be a blob with wing-like extensions and heavily labeled as “Bat.”

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  8. * Frarochvia says:

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! *looks through hands* eeeeee! Shudder. Cute drawings, yes, great story, yes, but I’m glad neither you nor I were there for it!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  9. * Frarochvia says:

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! *looks through hands* eeeeee! Shudder. Cute drawings, yes, great story, yes, but I’m glad neither you nor I were there for it!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  10. * Renee says:

    I literally flinched when you said he grabbed the bat. I wouldn’t grab a bat for a million dollars. I get a bat in the house every summer and I’m absolutely paranoid about them – it borders on a clinical phobia. I can’t walk into a room in my house after dark without checking the corners to make sure there isn’t a bat hanging up there. They’re nowhere near as cute as your pictures make it seem!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  11. * Deb says:

    OK – in between gags of bat disgust I was laughing my butt off. I bet Jeanne’s comment gives you great comfort!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  12. * Deb says:

    OK – in between gags of bat disgust I was laughing my butt off. I bet Jeanne’s comment gives you great comfort!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  13. * Master Engineer says:

    That was your best post to date. I was THERE and still couldn’t stop laughing. Oh, and the illustrations are just too cute.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  14. * Chris says:

    The suspense!! Oh my! *fans self*

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  15. * Chris says:

    The suspense!! Oh my! *fans self*

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  16. * Mary Lou says:

    My brother in law is a bat fan – he insists they are very cute when they are not afraid. However, I don’t enjoy them in my house. Only outside eating mosquitos!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  17. * Mary Lou says:

    My brother in law is a bat fan – he insists they are very cute when they are not afraid. However, I don’t enjoy them in my house. Only outside eating mosquitos!

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  18. * Kitt says:

    Too funny! Are you going to start calling the M.E. “Bruce Wayne”?

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  19. * Kitt says:

    Too funny! Are you going to start calling the M.E. “Bruce Wayne”?

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  20. * kitkatknit says:

    I love the illustrations!! We used to have a bat that would show up at our house for a night or two right around Mother’s Day.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  21. * kitkatknit says:

    I love the illustrations!! We used to have a bat that would show up at our house for a night or two right around Mother’s Day.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  22. * Amy says:

    You and bats = me and snakes.
    Oh no! Is this going on the Google??

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  23. * Lorette says:

    Great drawings! This is just a hilarious post. I actually love bats, but most definitely NOT in the house.

    Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  24. * Sarah R (rooie) says:

    Funniest story I’ve read in a long time. And I love the illustrations. I think more knit blogs need to use illustration. “Here’s the sock I’ve been working on!” (Insert illustration of sock.)

    Posted 10 years ago
  25. * Sarah R (rooie) says:

    Funniest story I’ve read in a long time. And I love the illustrations. I think more knit blogs need to use illustration. “Here’s the sock I’ve been working on!” (Insert illustration of sock.)

    Posted 10 years ago
  26. * Sarah R (rooie) says:

    Funniest story I’ve read in a long time. And I love the illustrations. I think more knit blogs need to use illustration. “Here’s the sock I’ve been working on!” (Insert illustration of sock.)

    Posted 10 years ago


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